Thursday, February 10, 2011

Most Days

(Willow and Grandpa July 2010. Two and a half months before he died)

Since my dad died I must say that we have some bad days and some good days. Most days are pretty good. Most days I can keep myself and my household together.
When he was diagnosed with cancer last year, we knew the prognosis would not be good and we knew he was dying. We cried alot during his days of treatmenst. We knew life without him would be different, lonelier, full of melancholy.

Most days I can handle it all.

Most days I don't feel sorry for myself or get sad because my kids no longer have grandpa around, a man who truly took pleasure in being with the kids.

Most days I can figure out my honey bee issues without his beekeeping wisdom, and most days I can look outside and imagine he is smiling down on us for accepting life and all of its essential unfairness as well as its blessings.

It has been a heck of a week here, a heck of a month so far. Devin has been mega busy at work and we have been busy with school. I also have a brain full of activities and lists and projects and ideas.

Rose was also sick this week with a stomach bug. The dreaded up in the middle of the night, all night. Dry heaves. Laundry, laundry, laundry. Pallets on the floor. Laundry.
I am grateful that nobody else followed suit and we all stayed healthy. That is an amazing feat in a house with 9 people. Today she is a little tired but otherwise good.

Most weeks I can handle.

(My chocolate selection this week)

Willow stayed Monday night with my mom. Here is my conversation with my sweet girl tonight.

Willow: "Grandma and I sleep the same way at night. We both wake up with wet pillows."

Me: "Wet pillows?"

Willow: "Yes, wet pillows because we cry every night."

Me: "Because you miss Grandpa?"

Willow: "Yes!" (sobbing now) "I want my Grandpa! I want my Grandpa!"

Me: "Me too."

Most days I can handle.

Most days I also want to just scream!

Today I ate some chocolate instead.

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